Your mamma is so old, I told her to act her age and she dropped dead.
Archive for April, 2009
Play dead
April 22nd, 2009Choices
April 22nd, 2009A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said, ‘’My husband wants me to ask you…,” to which the doctor replies, ‘’I know, I know,” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ‘’I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
‘’No, that’s not it,‘’ the woman confessed. ”He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
Don’t ask your Doc this please
April 22nd, 2009A woman pregnant with her first child paid a visit to her obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said, ‘’My husband wants me to ask you…,” to which the doctor replies, ‘’I know, I know,” placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. ‘’I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
‘’No, that’s not it,‘’ the woman confessed. ”He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn.”
A Priest will not tell
April 22nd, 2009One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won’t be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ‘’Are you really going to let him get away with this?”
‘’No, I guess not,” says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn’t bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, ‘’ Why did you let him do that?”
To this God says, ”Who’s he going to tell?”
Your mamma is not a cook
April 22nd, 200990-year-old man a father?
April 22nd, 2009A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when
he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting
beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit
fell dead. What do you think of that?”
The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Two flies
April 22nd, 2009Little Old Man
April 22nd, 2009A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’
“Twenty-six!” he said.
Satan
April 22nd, 2009One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Stellenbosch wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.
Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.
Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”
The man says, “Yep, I sure do.”
Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”
The man says, “Nope, I sure ain’t.”
Satan, perturbed, asks, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”
“Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”
