A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’ After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’ ‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. ‘Why do you do that, mommy?’ he asked. ‘To make myself beautiful,’ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. ‘What’s the matter?’ asked Little Johnny. ‘Giving up?’
* * * * * * * * * * *
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’ Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. ‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture ?’
* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’ His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses,I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the postman wants to buy Mom .’
Archive for the ‘Jokes’ category
Johnny
June 22nd, 2009Smart(er) blond
June 22nd, 2009A blonde thought if she dyed her hair brown she would become smarter. Whilst driving in the country she spotted this farmer herding sheep and asked him “If I guess how many sheep you have will you let me have one?” The man said “Sure.” Well she looked over and over and said 73. He said “Wow your good.” So the blonde claimed her prize. While walking her back to the car the man said “If I guess your hair color can you give me my dog back?”
Revenge
June 22nd, 2009A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
“Shut up,” she says. “You’re next.”
Seeing things
June 22nd, 2009As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, “It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another …”
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, “Mam … I don’t know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener.”
Blonde diet
June 22nd, 2009A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor said. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nodded. “I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from skipping.”
Head and Shoulders
June 22nd, 2009A blonde and a burnett are catching up ofter having not seen each other for a while, the burnett says to the blonde, “I’m married to Kenny now.”
The blonde replies, “Really, I used to date him. Isn’t he the one with the really bad dandruf?”
“Yeah,” answered the burnett, “but I fixed that, I gave him head and shoulders.”
The blonde looked really confused and after a few moments asked, “How do you give Shoulders?”
Blond cop
June 22nd, 2009A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?”. The motorist scuffles around in her purse, and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”
The cop says, “Ok Let me see it, then. So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, she looks at it, and replies, “Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have even pulled you over. You can go now.”
Swine Flu Update
June 22nd, 2009I called the Swine Flu hotline… all I got was crackling
I heard that the first symptom is that you come out in rashers.
Another is that you get the trotts.
But, I woke up with pig tails this morning ….. Should I be worried?
The doctor asked me how long I’d had the symptoms of Swine Flu. I said it must have been about a Weeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
Apparently my mate’s got Swine Flu – I think he’s just telling porkies, though.
The only known cure for Swine Flu in humans has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.
I hear there’s now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1
Swine flu, however, is not a problem for the pigs because they’re all going to be cured anyway.?
News Flash …. this is just in. The world’s religious leaders have issued a joint declaration that the Swine Flu pandemic is the start of
the aporkalypse.
I just heard on the news that, “Swine Flu could potentially be a threat to every single person in the world”. Well… its a good thing I’m married then, isn’t it?
This is not a time for panic. It is no pig deal. It is a mild hamademic, don’t believe the spam you’re getting.
Swine flu has now mixed with bird flu. Scientists say they will find a cure when pigs fly..
Lawyers think
June 10th, 2009A priest, a doctor, and an lawyer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Lawyer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 20 minutes!
Doctor: I don’t know but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow aren’t they?
George: Oh yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
(silence)
Priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
Lawyer: Why can’t these guys play at night?
Talking and Drinking
June 4th, 2009THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I’m married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
4. No thanks, I’m not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I’m not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
