90-year-old man a father?

April 22nd, 2009 by G No comments »

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, “I have
an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when
he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his
umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting
beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘bang, bang’ and the rabbit
fell dead. What do you think of that?”

The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else killed that rabbit.”

The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”

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A Nun Playing golf?

April 22nd, 2009 by G No comments »

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.

“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, “You missed the fucking putt, didn’t you?”

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Two flies

April 22nd, 2009 by G No comments »

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.

“Pardon me” he asks, turning on his best charm… but is this stool taken?”

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Little Old Man

April 22nd, 2009 by G No comments »

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.

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Satan

April 22nd, 2009 by G No comments »

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Stellenbosch wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, “Hey, don’t you know who I am?”

The man says, “Yep, I sure do.”

Satan says, “Well, aren’t you afraid of me?”

The man says, “Nope, I sure ain’t.”

Satan, perturbed, asks, “And why aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Well, I’ve been married to your sister for 25 years.”

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Teacher Sex

April 22nd, 2009 by G No comments »

A first grader comes home and announces to his father that he had sex with his teacher.

Well, his father’s chest just swells with pride and he says to his son, “I was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. I’m very proud of you son. You know that bicycle that you’ve been wanting for so long? I’m going to take you out and buy it for you today!”

His son says, “Well if it’s all the same to you dad, I’d rather go tomorrow. My butt’s still sore.”

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High School Sweethearts

April 22nd, 2009 by G No comments »

Two high school sweethearts had been dating for four years, they had enjoyed losing their virginity together, and they were inseparable until they graduated.

They had planned on going to college together, but he was accepted to a school on the west coast, and she was accepted to a school on the east coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return his letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around.

He didn’t take this very well, so he increased the number of phone calls, letters and e-mails in an attempt to save their relationship.

She became very annoyed with this when she started seeing a new fellow, and she wanted to get the old boyfriend off her back, so she took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!”

Needless to say, he was heartbroken, and very pissed off. So,… he wrote a note on the back of her photo:

“Dear Mom and Dad,
I’m having a great time at college.
Please send more money!”

…and then mailed the picture to her parents.

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Italian Speaking

April 22nd, 2009 by G No comments »

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”

“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country we don’t speak aloud in pubic places about our sex lives………

“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sexa? I’m a justa tellin’ my
frienda how to spella ‘Mississippi’.”

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The heat is on

April 9th, 2009 by G No comments »

A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”

“What’s that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”

The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”

Dad said, “Bring Belle over here He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”

The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, another dog is pushing her home.”

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Know your bride…

April 9th, 2009 by G No comments »

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel..

She said, “That was incredible!”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”
“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Vereeniging, but I worked both sides of the Vaal Dam.

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