A crafty sailor

April 9th, 2009 by G No comments »

A young woman in Cape Town was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young deck-hand saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, look, you’ve got a lot to live for. We’re off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on this ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day. “Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy, OK?”

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

“What are you doing here?” the captain asked. “I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”

“He sure is, lady, he sure is!” the captain said. “This is the Ferry making daily trips between Robben Island and the Waterfront!”

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Psychiatrist vs Mom

April 9th, 2009 by G No comments »

Psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

‘You all have obsessions,’ he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, ‘You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy. ‘

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: ‘Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny .

He turned to the third Mom, Joyce:  ‘Your obsession is alcohol.  This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy. ‘

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered,
‘Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about.
Let’s go pick up Willy from school and go get dinner. ‘

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Some things just cannot be done

April 9th, 2009 by G No comments »

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked the genie if she got three wishes.

The genie said, “No, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I’m a real, one-wish, genie. So… what’ll it be?”

The woman did not hesitate. She said, “I want peace in the Middle East.

See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony.”

The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, “Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I’m out of shape after being in a bottle for over five hundred years… I’m good but not THAT good! I don’t think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable this time.”

The woman thought for a minute and said, “Well, I’ve never been able to find the right man. You know – one that’s considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn’t watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for…a good man.”

The genie let out a sigh and said, “Let me see the map again.”

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Running away from heaven

April 9th, 2009 by G No comments »

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She’s chatting with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

‘Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter,’It’s only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.’

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation .

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. ‘Oh my,’ says the old lady, ‘now what is happening?’

‘Not to worry,’ says St. Peter,’She’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo.’

‘I can’t do this,’ says the old lady, ‘I’m going to hell.’ ‘You can’t go there,’ says St. Peter,’You’ll be raped and taken advantage of.’

‘Maybe so,’ says the old lady, ‘but I’ve already got the holes for that..’

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Are you a South African

April 8th, 2009 by G No comments »

YOU ARE PROUDLY SOUTH AFRICAN WHEN:

You call a bathing suit a “swimming costume”.

You call a traffic light a “robot”.
(and might I add, a roundabout is called a “traffic circle”.)
You call an elevator a “lift”

You call a hood a “bonnet”

You call a trunk a “boot”

You call a pickup truck a “bakkie”

You call a Barbeque a “Braai”

The employees dance in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.

The SABC advertises and shows highlights of the programme you just finished watching.

You get cold easily. Anything below 16 degrees Celsius is Arctic weather.

You know what Rooibos Tea is, even if you’ve never had any.

You can sing your national anthem in four languages, and you have no idea what it means in any of them.

You know someone who knows someone who has met Nelson Mandela.

You go to braais regularly, where you eat boerewors and swim, sometimes simultaneously.

You know that there’s nothing to do in the Orange Free State .

You produce a R100 note instead of your driver’s licence when stopped by a traffic officer.

You can do your monthly shopping on the pavement.

You have to hire a security guard whenever you park your car.

When you are a victim of crime and say: “At least I’m still alive”.

You know a taxi can move twice it’s certified number of people in one trip.

You travel 100′s of kilometres to see snow.

You know the rules of Rugby better than any referee

To get free electricity you have to pay a connection fee of R750.

More people vote in a local reality TV show than in a local election.

People have the most wonderful names: Christmas, Goodwill, Pretty, Wednesday, Blessing, Brilliant, Gift, Precious, Innocence and Given, Patience, Portion, Coronation.

“Now now” or “just now” can mean anything from a minute to a month.

You continue to wait after a traffic light has turned to green to make way for taxis travelling in the opposite direction.

Travelling at 120 km/h you’re the slowest vehicle on the highway/freeway.

You’re genuinely and pleasantly surprised whenever you find your car parked where you left it.

A bullet train is being introduced, but we can’t fix potholes.

The last time you visited the coast you paid more in speeding fines and toll fees than you did for the entire holiday.

You paint your car’s registration on the roof.

You have to take your own linen with you if you are admitted to a government hospital.

You have to prove that you don’t need a loan to get one.

Prisoners go on strike.

You don’t stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.

You consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.

Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
You consider a high crime rate as normal.

You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends from SA.
VIVA !!!!!

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Interesting books

April 6th, 2009 by G No comments »

A few interesting books:

  • Is it in the stars? by Zoe D Ack.
  • Great Eggspectations by Charles Chickens
  • In the Soup by Minni Stroney
  • How Sherlock Holmes Quickly Solved Crimes by L M N Tree.
  • Big Celebrations by Annie Versary
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Why reading Tolkien might be bad for you

April 6th, 2009 by G No comments »

When recently asked why he doesn’t  read any books by Tolkien the critic said ‘Because I am afraid they might be hobbit-forming’

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Noah could have stopped this

April 6th, 2009 by G No comments »

Have you ever wondered if the world would have been a better place if Noah only refused to let the two mosquitos on board the Ark?

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Age and Money

April 6th, 2009 by G No comments »

Send us your jokes and humorous material – talk@giggel.co.za

As I’ve grown older I’ve realized that money is not everything.
BUT it certainly ensures that the children still visits…

By the time I’ve made enough money to be able to eat in the finest restaurants, drink the best wine, and play with the nicest ladies my doctor restricted what I eat, banned alcohol and told me Viagra will kill me.

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Is goodyear making condoms

March 30th, 2009 by G No comments »

Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?

A: One’s a Goodyear; the other’s a great year.

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